A Grief Observed

In his book, A Grief Observed, C. S. Lewis is not observing grief in general.  Rather, he is examining his own personal grief and the very  raw feelings that accompany it.  I recognize the sincerity of his writing, as I have now seen grief from a personal standpoint.  It is not something that anyone can truly understand without experiencing it, and each of us observe a grief that is different than any other.

In some ways, my grief is very different than Lewis' in that I did not feel the anger and questioning of God that Lewis did.  In fact, it amazes me that someone who taught us Aslan's character so well really thought that God was just plain mean.  Then again, just like King David, C.S. Lewis was able to fully express an understanding of God that many of us never have.  He was surprised by joy, just as he was saddened by grief; and he was able to talk to God openly about his feelings because he had that kind of relationship with God.  They understood each other. 

There are a couple of things that really stand out in Lewis' grief as being just like my own.  The first of these is the physical and mental feeling.  C. S. Lewis starts his observation, "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.  I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid.  The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning.  I keep on swallowing."  I have felt that.  I know that feeling! 

Counselors say this is normal, but I find that I still do not understand it. Lewis suggests that it is caused by the loss of a point of reference. Even our subconscious mind travels to the thoughts, memories, and patterns that we have established in such a close relationship.   With the loss of our soulmate, we have lost a point of reference.  Our thoughts travel down a familiar road, only to be met with a road block.  It takes a moment to take a detour and learn a new road. 

The other thought that C. S. Lewis shares that is profound to me is the idea that the death of a spouse is just another step in the relationship.  Just like courtship, the honeymoon, and various phases over the years, at some point the relationship will be changed again when one spouse dies before the other.  It is unavoidable, and every relationship goes through this (unless both die at the same moment).  This is not something that God has done to me - it happens to everyone.  This is not unique - every relationship goes through it. 

I am grateful to Lewis for sharing his observation of his own grief so openly with us.  Now I too have "a grief" and understand this process much more intimately.  While we all go through grief differently, now I am also able to share openly with others that may need it in their time.